How Far Gone

This is a piece I wrote a while ago, when I was really deeply thinking about some things.

Earlobes twice
Upper ear once
Nose, belly button
And a piece of art on a calf

These are her cries of freedom
These are her painted walls
These are what separate her from them
They don’t know all, but they will.

Afraid of heights, of animals and insects
A child afraid of the dark
Never one to get in trouble
Her brother the rebel of youth

Somehow traded places
He sings behind the pulpit
She hides behind the pews
Hoping to blend in where he stands out

No one knows her name anymore
Mostly, she doesn’t mind
But when she needs a friend
Most eyes turned to her are blind.

So music soothes her aching heart
The wailing lyrics touch her soul
She feels connected in a way
That nothing else has made her feel

Except once, years ago
At a youth conference, she remembers
The touch of God on her heart and soul
A calling to something greater.

She knows it’s her fault
She stands in her own way
No amount of therapy could change it
She is simply paralyzed in fear.

She has asked God for sign after sign
As if something must be proven
Before she can act. But she knows
That’s not how God works.

God gave humans free will
Choice is part of the equation.
He will continue to choose us
But we must also choose him.

My life is now a remnant
Of what it could have been
I have not chosen God
In every circumstance He has given

Why would I throw away something
That I knew was valuable beyond measure?
How stupid must I be
To ignore the Great Creator?

I am simply human.
I want my needs met now.
I want to know I will succeed
Before into the world I go out.

I want to know His plan
I’m a control freak, I’ll admit.
But the thing is, I can’t make heads or tails of it.
And that’s why I get so frustrated.

Time and time again,
My ears bleed to the words
“Trust God”, “He has a plan for you”
“He must care for you since he even cares for birds”

I believe these things to be true.
But somewhere in my heart
I feel like these words aren’t meant for me
Though I so badly hope they are.

I see the broken and empathize
I see the hurting and want to help
I see the lost and I see myself
How far gone am I?

One thought on “How Far Gone

  1. This one broke my heart, reading it now, even realizing you’d written it a while ago. So very glad and thankful you’re better, honey! ❤

    Like

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